Goodbye little one

The only evidence you were ever here is a picture, taken as an after thought, after the initial heady joy of discovering your presence, all the way in Maldives. We were so happy. 

Logically, I know that it was such a short while. Had I been absent-minded I might not even have known you were ever here — just a late period perhaps. 

Logically, I know that there is little that could have been done. Very early miscarriages such as these are often the result of chromosomal defects, nature’s way of keeping only the strong alive. 

But it is still sad, that life can be such a brief flicker, so vanishingly small. You were the size of a lentil, you were waiting for your heart to beat.

We were so happy to have the thought of you — even if you were only a whispered secret for these eleven days. I was sure you would be a girl. I would have named you after the sea. 

Perhaps the uncertainties of this early time is why everyone keeps it to themselves. But then, who would know of you, and what memory would there be? 

You were here. We were happy you were here, and we are sad that you are now not. 

Goodbye, little one. 

What Christmas Means to Me 

Like many other seasons, and perhaps Christmas is the first of them all, the meaning of this one day has evolved for different people. 

When I was very very young, I loved Christmas and all the notions of Christmas, snow, jingle bells, Santa, reindeers, the Birth of Christ — even if none of them meant very much to me. 

Then when I was a teenager and a young adult, it was a time for friends and gifts. Later still, I half-scoffed at it, having become such a commercialized season.

Now that I have a child, I find myself wanting to recreate the magic of Christmas, the way I had experienced it as a young child.

Partly because I think there should be seasons to life — rituals and milestones and things to look forward to. Every December, let there be a tree! Every beginning of the lunar new year, pineapple tarts and red packets. 

Partly because, I love the spirit of giving and gathering and even though I am very much an introvert, I’ve grown to feel that there can’t be too many excuses to spend money on, to spend thoughts on, and to spend time with the people you love.

Mostly because Christmas has always been magical to me, and I want Isaac’s childhood to be full of wonder and magic.

Which is really to say, that what Christmas means to me is changing, and personal, and there’s no right way to treat a season. 

Right now, Christmas is about family, slowing for a breath before a whole new year. It’s been a wonderful year 🙂 May we have more of the same next year! 

Next up! 

Christmas is a special and meaningful time to Pearlyn and her family. Join their celebration at Enjoy! 🙂

PrayerFull Mum