It’s strange to realise that it was ten years ago, when this particular door was first presented to me. At that time, it wasn’t something I even knew of, much less looked to. And in retrospect, much of the past ten years, much of my life has been as such — I never really planned for things to work out one way or the other but simply went along with the opportunities that came up.
I wasn’t always sure if this is the best way to live — to leave so much to happenstance, although I have always been grateful for the many wonderful opportunities that simply came to me. But over time, I came to think that perhaps this is the particular narrative of my life, and what may seem random and serendipitous were all God’s hand in my life.
It’s been ten years now. Later on, I was told that the door I thought closed was not, although I don’t think I ever truly believed that it remained open either. But in this year, this entire chapter is moving to a close — whether it’s through a particular door or others and some of it will be my decision.
Over the past few days, I have thought a lot about this — what I should do, and where I want to be. And I still can’t say what is the exact destination I want for myself.
Except, in the still of my heart, I know that it’s no longer about any one particular door. What I want is — at the risk of sounding trite — is to be who I am, to reflect the values I care about, and to make a difference this way. And this can be done anywhere.
The decision I made to be where I am now, when I had thought the door closed, was just to do what I felt was interesting, and in a place where I thought I could learn and contribute in equal measure. It was never intended to put myself in the view of important people, or back on the path I was on. And so, I accept that today, what I have done in the past two years remains obscure.
But I don’t have a single regret because the past two years were the happiest two years of my work life. And affirmations I most cared about were not from those above me, but from the people I worked with — when a peer said that I had much to contribute if I stayed; when I receive notes on how I have been inspiring as a leader and as a role model for balancing work and family. I hesitate to take credit for these because so much of what I can do and have done is due to the gifts and opportunities I have been blessed with and the support of so many around me. These may never be known to the bosses above me, but I am humbled by the fact that I have had an opportunity to make a difference to the people around me, in a way that will last beyond any single one piece of work.
These ending rites are always filled with uncertainties but I also recall how things were, a decade ago — and it is with a sense of peace and equanimity that I have made the decisions I have to, and to watch things unfold and come to a close.
Ten years ago — even when I wanted something very much, I said, nevertheless, let it be as You, not I, would have it — and I saw how, no matter the number of hoops and hurdles, things that were meant to be will happen despite them.
So it’s a strange full circle to be here again and it is still the same — I know in my heart that if it’s God’s will I can go through the smallest sliver of an opening; but also that I have moved beyond going through any one specific door; and also that in the end, I leave it wholeheartedly and unreservedly to His will.
In the year ahead and always, let it be as You, and not I, would have it =)